I’m the lazy one. The absent minded, the stupid, the unwanted. Things always go wrong around me, and I’m not good enough to stop it. I am the weak one, struggling in vain, failing everyday. I didn’t get strong genes. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy lately. In one episode, there’s a scene with Bailey sleeping on a hospital bed on a hallway, during her shift. That’s my Granny. With a chaotic sleeping pattern, like a thief stealing some rest between two calls. She’s retired now, but still sleeping the same way. Better said, crashing from time to time, then doing dishes at 3 am. My dad’s the same, postponing everything till the very last minute. I’m the same, my brother’s even worse. None of us started this way. How did we get to fight these demons? And fail, because there’s no winning really. We just end up tired, and giving up.
Nobody can see how much we’re trying, all they see is failure. I’m a broken toy they can mock and laugh at. None can imagine how far I’ve walked, how narrow my world was, how much there is to catch up with. And, at the same time, how narrow their world can be. I don’t blame them, you just can’t be in somebody else’s shoes. What do I see? Mediocrity. Surrounding me, tightening its strings around me. And all I’ve been doing was to push it further and further, gripping more and more from what there is to learn and to live. But, in the end, no matter how much I struggle, all I’m left with is my own mediocrity.
Two years ago I was even worse. Becoming a vegetable. I feel as if I’ve hopelessly wasted two years of my life, maybe more. I am still paying for that now. I wasn’t a nice person at the time. I’ve never tried to please anybody, to make them like me. I’ve suffered my entire high school because I was too proud and too disgusted to become the enjoyable little student that my language teacher would have loved. However, I’ve been secretly grateful to those people that had the patience to just let me be. People who were kind enough not to make my life even worse. People who waited for me to succeed. They are the ones who truly helped me. Lately, I’ve been blessed with such people, not many, but enough to make it worth it. I need time, speed was never my thing. I’m still stuck, as always, but pushing myself to the limit, stretching as far as I can.
Today was one of the best crappiest days I’ve ever had.
