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– I created this perfect image of you. So perfect, so unreal, it drove me insane. I guess that’s why I would always seek your company.

– I don’t understand.

– Well, being around you made life bearable. Seeing this real person in front of me, with both faults and wonderful qualities, anchored me into reality. Otherwise, I’d be this lunatic dreaming hopelessly of something that doesn’t exist. Impossible, unachievable and, ultimately, a waste of time. Incredibly painful, too.

That lifetime that I spent without you… am I even allowed to miss it?

– So, yeah, I did catch a glimpse of you that lifetime.

– When?

– When we didn’t meet. At all.

 – Oh, yes. I only saw your shadow while I was riding a cab in a strange city.

– Yeah…well, I was passing by your house, many years later. You had your kitchen window open and your baby was crying. I think you kept all your neighbours awake that night.

– Oh, those years… those terrible wonderful years.

– You smile, they must’ve been good. Anyway, you reached up and opened one of the cupboards. I could see your cheek, slightly tired and worried. You had your hair in a pony tail. I could see your arm searching for something inside the cupboard – the arm that was supposed to embrace me, the hand that was supposed to touch me! I could not see your child. I wish I could see your eyes… What is it?

– Nothing, random thoughts.

– You can tell me anything.

– Can I? Very well! I don’t want to see you ever again, but I bought you chocolate today.

– What kind?

– I’ll see you in a blizzard!

– What?

– The next time I’ll see you…it’ll be a storm!

– Why do you say that?

– I don’t know. I was simply standing there, in my room, looking in the mirror… and I said that to myself. My lips spoke with no warning, like they remembered something long forgotten. That’s how I found you. These words brought me to you!! Could you imagine it if we lived in different times? How I would’ve found you then? If I could only whisper them to somebody, and that somebody would whisper it to someone else? How long it would take for those words to reach you? A year, maybe ten? A generation? The long lasting centuries of an empire?? I guess I’m lucky I came up with the words in this lifetime…

– Actually, it’s an old phrase…

– Wait, what?

– Yeah… If you’d ask me, I’d say you whispered that ages ago. And the words traveled by word of mouth, all around the world. Until they reached you again. Somehow, they’ve been imprinted in the mind of the being that you are now, perhaps you’ve overheard it as a child. Or maybe it was even written in our genes. So you could find me at some point, if the path was to be lost…

– I never thought of it that way… So…what does it mean?
– What?

– You know…blizzard!

– Oh, it’s a series of misfortunate and unpleasant events or occurrences.

– Then they must’ve gotten it all wrong. For this is not what I meant!

– I know…

– …

– …

– Aren’t you scared sometimes?

– Of what? The only thing I worry about is that I might pass a lifetime without meeting you!

– No, beyond that! Aren’t you afraid that there’s more than that? More than our souls, more than our countless number of lives that we spend searching for each other? Just the same way we lurch in the dark before meeting each other, before we put back the puzzle pieces  altogether, we could be facing the same kind of senselessness, but on a different level. What if we are more than we see ourselves right now? Why do we feel there’s something missing? What is this conscience that we have, one that sounds like distant echoes from another world? As if we are the incomplete projection of a greater being, in a simpler 3-dimensional space. What if the dreams we dream happen in another corner of the universe? What if the words we speak turn into facts on the other side of the mirror? If so, by now, I’m dead, and I had murdered you already. Can you imagine our most dreadful thoughts coming to life? What world would that be? What kind of world do we live in??

– Do you think of this often?

– What? …the world?

– No, you … killing me softly…

– …Yes, can you believe it? We met twice during that lifetime. And you had no idea about it!

– Twice? You mean … several times.

– Oh, yes, if you put it that way. The thing is, I had two reincarnations. Do you understand?? I died right when we were supposed to know each other better. Shortly after that, I came looking for you again. I died twice and you say you lived happily, how twisted is that?

I frowned.

– As happy as one can live without you…

Peste un capat de ocean…doi oameni pierduti ascultau, fara sa stie, aceeasi melodie. Nici unul nu stia ce-i leaga, si nici macar nu putea banui prezenta celuilalt, prins in amintirea difuza a unui sentiment venit de dincolo de viata aceasta.

I just wanted you to know…I was there in that lifetime you were talking about. Right next to you, in spite of the entire world separating us. We did talk, on numerous occasions. I tried to teach you everything I had learn, but you wouldn’t listen.

I still don’t understand how you could feel me that night, me sitting in the balcony, you driving in that cab. And how come you didn’t know it every time we met. I noticed, though, your strange behaviour at a certain point. I suppose you figured out by that time that something just wasn’t right about us.

I almost had the courage to tell you, once. I even pictured ourselves, sitting on that stone in the park, me at one end, you at the other, and talking without looking at each other. Because the words would have been to heavy and adding up the burden of your slightest glimpse would make communication impossible. I think I would have said,

„It’s me, and I know you were there in that cab that night…”

I can’t imagine your answer. And that’s been eating me inside ever since. Terrible life we lived, indeed…


Ultima data cand am intalnit-o mi-a ras in nas si mi-a zis.

„Viata e ca o iubita. Unii au mai multe si trec de la una la alta. Altii au una singura. Una si buna.”

Nu-mi aduc aminte sa o mai fi intalnit intr-o alta viata.

Ultima data cand am murit nu a durut la fel de tare. Ca orice lucru care se intampla de prea multe ori. Iti devine indiferent. Una din vieti, chiar, am trait-o fara tine. Stiu ca te-am zarit, o singura data. Eram intr-un taxi, noaptea, intr-un oras strain. Prietenul meu m-a atentionat. Vazuse un om stand la balcon, intr-un bloc oarecare. Dar eu stiam ca esti tu. Silueta ta, decupata in albul orbitor al usii, parea imensa si usor imbatranita. In viata aceea nu ne-am sincronizat deloc. Nici macar nasterile. O fractiune de secunda m-am gandit sa ajung acasa, sa imi fac bagajul si sa vin sa te caut. Poate as fi gasit, din nou, usa ta. I-as fi lasat pe toti balta si as fi plecat, ca o zaluda, nestiind incotro o apuc sau daca ma vei primi. Nu m-am gandit nici o clipa ca ai putea avea si tu pe altcineva. Si am fi trait amandoi, uitati de lume, proscrisi, ascunsi ziua, noaptea, decupati in albul orbitor al luminii electrice ce invadeaza, din dormitorul tau, lumea mea. Dar n-am facut-o. Si nu pot spune ca in viata aceea am fost nefericita.



O pata gri intr-un ocean de culoare.

noiembrie 2020