Yes, the first thing that caught my eye was the new shampoo. I mean, it took him ages to learn what kind of shampoo I use. He usually called me from the store to ask me again. And all of the sudden, a new bottle popped up in our bathroom. And not just any bottle. This was a refined, high quality shampoo. Very expensive! I used to fantasize about how my hair would look if I’d tried it, but I never found the guts to actually buy it. It just wasn’t me. And now it was lying there, on OUR shelf!
My first guess, OMG, he wanted to make me a surprise, how sweet! How did he know?? But then I realized that it’s not his style to risk and buy me something I might not like. And he couldn’t possibly know. The next thought, probably some cute girl advertising fooled him into buying that expensive product. I didn’t really care at the moment. I just wanted to try it.
So I had one nice, spoiled bath. But his reaction…his outburst when I got out of the bathroom. I’ll never forget it…Still makes me shiver and hurt inside.
„You used MY shampoo???”
„No, MINE, I…bought it for MY hair! I want to have something for myself”, he yelled.
I just couldn’t understand at that time. Was he going through crisis? Was he trying to gain some sort of independence? Redefining the inner self? The need to own something, apart from me? I couldn’t tell.
It took me a while to figure it out. He wasn’t upset because I used his shampoo. He wasn’t upset because we shared so many things that one couldn’t possibly tell us apart. His silly rage was hardly a declaration of independence. No, he didn’t cry for himself. No, not life on his own, no change, no redefining. It wasn’t him who chose the stupid shampoo. He didn’t even buy it! It was simply a gift from her! So he could feel her closer when she’s away. And that night I smelled like her…and that was just too much for him to bear…Cause his adolescent fling was not that much of a fling anymore…
That night…I didn’t exactly grasp it, but I could feel it for the first time…the dark clouds of divorce rolling thunders over my family…