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Azi-noapte am visat gandaci urcand pe pereti. O fiinta umana zacea ghemuita pe podea, gemand in spasmuri multicolore. Alb palid…pielea translucida cu o paloare vinetie…vinisoare subtiri, sangerande…Sub unghii ciuntite, trombocite coagulate. Omul lipit de pamant, despuiat de ceea ce-l face om…cu mintile ratacind in intuneric. Omul-coaja, lipsit de aparare si discernamant, ingaimand franturi de silabe, bolborosind sunete inecate, inghitite, amestecate cu lacrimi dureroase. Omul neom, privat de ultimul sau refugiu, de singurul lucru in care poate avea incredere…Omul chircit sub o suferinta inutila, daramat pe scara evolutiei pana langa colegii sai, viermii. Omul ce nu-si mai cunoastea mintea…

Intind mana in intuneric si simt prezenta altui trup. As vrea sa infig degetele…sa-i zdrobesc carnea tremuranda si rece. Dar inainte sa apuc sa fac ceva…soldurile i se dezintegreaza intr-o pulbere fina. Imi duc mainile la ochi. Ce-am facut?! Gustul sau prafos imi inunda simturile. Il simt pe buze, il mestec, imi ajunge pana in gat, ma sufoc…Simt ace intepandu-mi pielea. Multe ace prinse cu fire invizibile. Incerc sa ma smucesc, sa scap. Sunt tot mai multe fire si s-au intins ciupindu-mi mainile. Ma ridic, ma zbat, nu ma las. Firele sunt din ce in ce mai groase si mai stranse. Muschii mi s-au contorsionat intr-o incordare stransa. Acele ard sub piele. Mi-am infipt calcaiele si coatele in salteaua aspra. Stau asa, cu spatele arcuit, cu toracele suspendand in gol. Mi se vad coastele tensionate inchizand o inima speriata. „Bartender, what is wrong with me? Why am I so out of breath?…” Simt nevoia sa inspir adanc dar fulgere ascutite imi paralizeaza orice miscare. Nu-mi iese decat un oftat adanc. Ma ustura incheieturile, de fapt, locul in care acele patrund in piele…Ma pierd. Ma tem sa nu ma pierd…Imi simt gandurile urcand in linisti spiralate…

Sfarseala…Am obosit luptandu-ma cu aerul. Firele s-au transformat in lanturi. Rob. Resemnat. Imi asez capul la loc pe perna umeda. Simt cum se scurg in mine otravurile unei alte lumi. Mi-e zambetul stramb atarnand in coltul gurii. Mi-e gatul stramb in coltul patului. Imi aduc aminte de o fereastra deschisa deasupra capului meu. Prin ea se vede un copac mare cu frunzele frematand in vant. As vrea sa ma incordez, sa privesc din nou…M-ar calma, as avea o ocupatie. Dar, de data aceasta, e intuneric si bezna si zid. Pat de fier, cavou comun.

Vreau zori, vreau soare. Maine trebuie sa scap de aici.

Yesterday…I was floating. I felt all the molecules in my body vibrating in a weightless manner. My muscles hurt. My skin felt different…strange…distant…as if it wasn’t mine anymore. And I just stood there in a corner amazed by my own transformation. I’ve lost contact with the rest of the world…And since then…I keep trying to adapt, to live as I used to pretending that nothing ever happened. I remember how it used to be. It just doesn’t come naturally anymore.

Today…life struck me in a brutal way. No warning, no smooth passage. It hit me with its fundamental, yet rudimentary, pains. My soul bleeds. I’m blinded by the colours of this world. It’s too much to bear sometimes…

„Do you ever feel that life has passed you by?”
„No, I feel that it knocked me down and then ran over me…”

I dreamt of heaven last night. It’s difficult to wake up in hell and keep moving.

„And I’ve never met anyone quite like you before
Oh, up, down, turn around; please don’t let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone, to find my soul desire to go home”

I’m smoking my last cigarette on this afternoon spying the people in the street. My nextdoor neighbour is sitting on the balcony. She seems sad. Oh, she lost her kitty some time ago. I wonder if that’s the reason why…I kindda miss it too. Funny, yeah, it looked nice. Little ball of fur climbing the trees. One morning I found it scratching my kitchen window. Yup, she’s cute. If I knew she’s normal, I would ask her out…maybe…someday. Who needs kitties anyway?

BookFrenzy

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O pata gri intr-un ocean de culoare.

mai 2007
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